Responses to Classmates' Poetry 2/25/08

Alex's Poems

"The sweet unknown”

I think this poem flows beautifully and feels like it was written with sincerity and genuine emotion. The image of sailing “by the beams of the moonlight” is striking and creates a sort of ethereal element that is really cool. One reason the poem flows so well is that it reads like a song with its repetition, and there is an abundance of really great alliteration and sibilants. I really like the personification of certain elements of nature, such as when the sun “begins to wake” and the beams “spill upon the sea”; I feel like this personification creates a connection between nature and the “you” and “me” of the poem. I really enjoyed reading this piece, and the only suggestion I can think of would be maybe to clarify the line “the language of two hearts \ that connect in such ways.” What kinds of ways? Maybe some cool adverb or adjective could be interjected there.

“I miss you like the sun misses the moon”

I really like the emotion in this poem, expressed particularly by the exclamation points. Its intensity likens it to a really powerful apostrophe. I also like how the content of the poem seems to be a reaction against the title—I find that to be very clever. The entire idea of wanting to change their metaphorical positions is really powerful and the internal rhyming is great in the “thought” he proposes to the sun. I really like this poem, but there is one suggestion that I have. I may be way off the mark here, but I think I would understand the poem even more clearly if the title was “I miss you like the moon misses the sun,” because the whole poem is written from moon’s perspective. However, I might just be looking at it the wrong way.

Amanda Baran’s Poems

“Rupert”

There is a lot of great imagery in this poem, such as the “shreds” of paper that “lay on the floor” and the actions of jumping and biting. I like how the experience of reading is portrayed in this poem as the book is personified and its desires are expressed. This is very creative and I love the idea of the book “want[ing] to be your chew toy.” There are a couple of places where I think there might be a little more clarity and emphasis if the lines were broken a bit differently, but the great imagery and diction is already there, such as with the lines “it wants to lay \ victim to your mouth.”

“Bamboo”

First of all, this is a really cool topic and I am automatically intrigued as to whether this poem is a metaphor for something else entirely. Either way, I think the subject matter itself is cool. I like all of the contrasts in the poem, such as growing versus dying, little versus big, and sunshine and shade. The line “I laughed when they said I didn’t know” is particularly interesting; this laughter is another contrast with the frustration or disappointment the speaker seems to be dealing with by the end of the poem. I don’t know of anything that I would change about this poem. I like how there is uncertainty of whether this poem is actually about the frustration of having a plant that won’t grow or a life metaphor ending with the large existential question of “Why is it so hard for me to grow you?”

Amanda Partlow’s Poems

“I am this many”

This poem is amazing on so many levels to me. The imagery is absolutely fantastic throughout every single stanza and the poem seems to be written with such a sincere voice. Her imagery is so vivid that I can completely picture the little girl in the tutu sitting on the rocky beach, and I laughed when I pictured her throwing spaghetti at the ducks and earnestly quaking with them/at them. While reading the poem I feel like I am experiencing a slice of her life; it also makes me think of my relationship to my sister, who is ten years older than me. I totally get how complete contrasts in personality take nothing away from that kind of bond—they can actually add to it. This poem expresses that beautifully. I love how so completely she conveys the essence of their relationship within four stanzas of the poem. After reading this I feel like I have a strong sense of the bond between them. I cannot think of anything to change about this one.

“She was an orange”

Although this poem is kind of brief, to me it feels almost mythical and transcendent in some respects. The color imagery is fantastic—the descriptions almost convey personality characteristics. The descriptions of the colors are done very well—I love the imagery of the sunflowers and the “rings that hugged her pupils.”  I particularly like the mention of her pupils as it brought in an element of the human aspect of her—everything else, although quite descriptive, is abstract. The only part I might revise would be the next to last line, “and setting the world and on looking hearts.” This might be a little clearer if worded slightly differently, although it still gets the message across the way it is.

Amy McIntyre’s Poems

“The Dry Fountain of Creativity”

I really like the style of writing in this poem and, if I am not way off in my interpretation, the rising tone of resignation. In my interpretation, the speaker is addressing the circumstance of not having the inspiration to write. If the essence of the poem is along those lines, then I think the first two stanzas express this sort of drought in writing-particularly in stanza two when she is sitting bored and thinking of a very accomplished and strong writer, Audre Lorde. There seems to be a tone of resignation that really voices itself in stanza two and very strongly in the last stanza when she asks why she should even bother “to fill those poetic coffers” (which I think is a very powerful image). One part that is a little unclear to me is line two and three, “Their nature, in me arrests \ the inability to rise to their test.” Is it the inability or ability that is arrested? This poem is very interesting and I think has a number of levels to explore.

“Heart and Mind”

I like the subject of the poem—issues of love in relationship to the heart and the mind automatically have universal appeals, yet this poem also has personal reflection. I like how the type of knowledge the speaker has at the beginning is expressed, “I had a knowledge: \ Cognitive.” This is in contrast to her heart knowledge of love at the end, “No thinking \ No thought required to love.” I am a little confused as to the meanings behind each variations of  the word “know” and how the transition from mind to heart knowledge is shown with each time it is used, particularly in the last stanza with “knowing him.” I am probably misreading it or not realizing some transition. I really like this poem and the ending has a  resonating quality.

Ashlee Hooks’ Poems

“It was way too soon…”

There is a strong sense in this poem of how quickly and abruptly the death of this person was, with such diction as “snatched,” “swirl,” “surprise,” and “stolen.” The character and personality of the person this poem is discussing is clearly depicted and the pain of the family is painted vividly with that “kind of sorrow you only see when a loved one dies.” I like how this poem is actually addressed to that person and is very heartfelt. The only thing I might suggest would be to carry on the usage of those strong verbs in stanzas one and two into the rest of the poem to make the emotion even more vivid. Other than that I think this poem is well done and sounds like it was written with genuine emotion.

“As I stand here looking back at you…”

My favorite element of this poem is the consistent questioning on the part of the speaker. The questions racing through her mind make the scene seem more real because of the emotion and intensity. I also like the constant action in each stanza, such as her knees going weak, making her fall, and the room spinning, making her feel sick. There is a lot of emotional intensity wrapped up in many of the actions, such as in the lines, “she’s taken my heart and thrown it around; \ it feels like it's being crushed into the ground," and “you’ve stabbed my heart with a knife.” I like how the poem is ended with the cliffhanger of what the speaker will decide to do next. I don’t know of anything I would change about this poem. It might be interesting if there were one more line at the end with a little more firmness or decision in it, however that resolution would achieve totally different effects that ending on complete indecision.

Christine Lee’s Poems

“Lost Keys”

I like this different approach in which there seems to be an internal monologue going on about where the keys are. I have gone through almost this exact experience before and the thought process of the speaker seems very real to me. There is a lot of humor in this poem, which is refreshing. I like how this style requires the reader to sort of sit in on the speaker’s thoughts and how those thoughts are set up so realistically, such as when she says, “Okay, let me think: If I were my keys, where would I be?” My favorite line is, “Ugh, not again!” I love any instance where seemingly mundane experiences are written about and made into humorous and enjoyable to read about. This is definitely one of those instances. I do not think there is anything about this poem that needs to be changed, however injecting a few more humorous or surprising lines wouldn’t hurt, for instance what that certain professor might say if she were late to class or what kinds of indignant noises the cat might be making for being shut up in the spare room.

“Shadow”

I like the surprise of the “until” moment in the poem and the irony of the once seemingly perfect girl becoming an addict and a “shadow of her former self.” I think the element of contrast in this poem in interesting, such as how the “straight-laced girl” began her “downward spiral,” and how her healthy and publicly honored achievements in "cross country, swimming, and track” are in contrast to the later unhealthy and subversive actions of “stealing, dealing, and selling herself to the night.” I like how there is ambiguity, such as to what in the world caused her to develop that “insatiable hunger,” and  what trauma degraded her to a shadow of her former self? I think that ambiguity is a mysterious element that adds to the poem, however some clarity to other things might be good, such as her physical characteristics post-addiction. Has that long, blonde hair been cut off and sold for money? Are those green catlike eyes now blood-shot and empty? I like how her eyes are depicted as green—that made me think of innocence and inexperience, which is a stark contrast of her terrible experiences as an addict.