Laine Bradley’s blog

Responses to Classmates's Fiction Stories 4/16

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:48:45 -0700

Scott S.’s Fiction Story

“The Balance of Nature”

I really love the strong characterization in this story—Mazeka is developed so well on a number of levels. It makes sense to me that he has deep, transcendent thoughts about nature. It even makes sense that he smokes for some reason. Scott does a great job of setting up Mazeka’s character from the beginning when he describes his eyes that “glance past what was on the surface to see what actually mattered in the world.” He is also described from the beginning as being “other”—he was not the “average kid in this New Hampshire town.” A lot of his character is explained also by his attitude toward his walk to school—the physical description of the slummy region and how it makes Mazeka feel is very nicely created. There is a lot of sensory imagery in the description of the walk. These scenes are what makes his thoughts about nature make sense—he needs that transcendence. It doesn’t seem out of place or contrived. Great story!

Mary Lynn’s Fiction Story

“Someone’s got to do it”

I like the direct address to the readers at the beginning because it seems to capture the feeling of over exaggeration of the whole piece. The speaker uses language like “evil” which is really exaggerated for what she describes, and making those signs is a very attention-grabbing action, just as the intro is very attention-grabbing to readers. If this was done in an even more exaggerated way, yet with a “sincere” voice on the speaker’s part, a dramatic irony element could be developed. I like the levels of sarcasm and irony in this piece—a lot of that is created by the terseness and “flash forward” nature of the whole story. I like the irony of Arthur having a “slightly maternal” instinct. There are some grammatical issues that need to be fixed, mostly overuse of commas. I enjoyed reading this story.

Amanda P’s Fiction Story

This story is so great; I really like the continual themes of illusion and waking up to reality throughout the piece. Questions that Jacob asks himself throughout develop these themes, such as when he wonders when they had gotten rid of all his other shirts and why in the world the Albright’s are at their house. These seem to be hints of Jacob’s waking up to the current state of his life and dissatisfaction in it. The first paragraph does a very effective job of setting up the entire story—to me, it seems like Jacob’s literal act of waking up is symbolic of his waking up to the reality of his life later in the essay. The line “the dimensionless world began to take structure” seems to me to be describing on one level how his life has changed since marriage. The continual flashbacks to dating his current wife before they got married are all pleasant and idealized—this is in contrast to the “structured” world of marriage in which all sort of meaningless rituals and customs tend to go on, like having “friends” over that aren’t even liked. If there is confusion in the beginning of whether Jacob is a boy or man, I think that’s even better because it immediately suggests the lack of maturity and the dissatisfaction in their marriage.

Ryan’s Fiction Story

“The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Margo”

I could not stop reading this story once I began—it is absolutely engaging and so well-written. The introduction is very provocative and attention-grabbing, and from there everything is just as interesting and creatively done. So much insight is given into the speaker’s life by her actions and her dialogue with others. There are a lot of aggressive verbs connected with Margo in her work scenes and at her apartment which hint at pent up anger and resentment in her; this is also revealed in her attitude toward her roommate and annoying customers at work. However, she is very nice to Sonny, showing a loving side to her. Her dialogue with Sonny shows that she hasn’t become totally cynical because of her mother. The dialogue between Margo and her mother is so well done—it seems real and becomes quite intense. I was relieved to find that her mother had not succeeded in taking her money. The phone message at the end is well done and shows that Margo’s trials are certainly not over, at least with her mother. Margo’s voice is so interesting thorough the essay—there is pain in it and an odd combination of determination and cynicism. Wonderful essay!

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Responses to Peer Group's Fiction Essay Drafts

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:08:03 -0700

Alex’s Fiction Essay Draft

This is an awesome start to a fiction essay—the use of dialect is amazing and sounds genuine. The characterization of Jack is already strong in just the first page. I like the whole idea of freedom and going “westbound” on a train—very Huckleberry Finn. I am interested in the relationship between Jack and the boy/man he is in the boxcar with, and I am intrigued with why he is on the train in the first place. I can’t wait to read the rest of it!

Erica’s Fiction Essay Draft

This is also a great start to an essay—I am very curious about why the speaker is screaming “are you fucking kidding me” at the beginning. In just this first page there is strong characterization of the speaker—she seems very organized yet subtlety rebellious as she arrives early to school regularly yet takes smoking breaks first thing in the morning. This seems like the beginning to a very interesting essay.

Tom’s Fiction Essay Draft

WOW, WOW, WOW!!! This essay is so amazing. I am quite impressed. Once I began reading, I could not stop because the story is so intriguing and well-written. The entire plot is very creative and all of the scientific details are crazy—everything flows so well and is so interesting. The characterization of Edmund and his story in general is awesome. The introduction is very effective with the background of Edmund’s family and his childhood. I love how Edmund finally realizes that he wants to escape and sleep all of the world’s evils away—that is a really revealing moment for him. The ending is FANTASTIC! I love the entire essay. Wonderful job.

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Responses to Classmates' Nonfiction Essays 4/7

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 13:51:35 -0700

Ryan’s Essay

“Guilt trips”

I really enjoyed reading this essay. Ryan does a great job of conveying how the trips to her grandmother were not just “guilt trips” but “guilt treks.” The physical imagery and characterization in this essay is great: I could completely visualize her mother steering the wheel with her knees while she “smeared her lipstick on,” and I could smell the vanilla that hit her in the face when she walked into her grandmother’s house. I also really like how Ryan interweaves religious language and a sense of religious guilt into the text, using such language as “nuns,” “penance,” “self-loathing,” “pity,” and “salvation.” This adds a really interesting element. The italicized internal monologue on page three gives a strong sense of self-chastisement. This goes right along with the theme of guilt; Ryan also conveys very well that there is a mixture of guilt with annoyance. This finally results in letting her grandmother “get her own cookie.” A little bit of proofreading might need to be done, but other than that, great essay!

Mary Lynn’s Essay

This essay was really fun and refreshing to read. I like this sort of stream-of-consciousness approach; it is different form everyone else’s and entertaining to read. I think that through her humor Mary Lynn does get across some truth about the difficulty inherent in relationships and how it all seems like a game at times. Although this essay is absolutely hilarious, some of its essence is lost with the lack of punctuation. If things were structured differently, the effect would be a lot stronger. Also, some proofreading needs to be done. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this essay, and I love the Golden Girls reference at the end!

Scott S.’s Essay

“Only the Best can be Served”

Scott does a great job is this essay of conveying what it is like to work in a restaurant. I have never worked in one, but after reading this I have a clear idea of the careful balance that must occur for chaos not to break forth from all of the stress. Scott’s discussion of gossip is very interesting as he describes a necessary sort of duality that must go on in the restaurant—the servers must have the opportunities to rant and rave in the back so that they can be polite and all-smiles out on the floor. The introduction to this essay is very effective because it focuses on the food, the whole reason for the existence of the restaurant, and using this as a way to introduce the servers and other workers of the restaurant. The essay reads methodically and cogently; he transitions well into each new focus. I like how Scott explains his feelings upon beginning work at the restaurant and how he slowly realizes the true nature of the job. There are a lot of creative similes and a strong command of language in this essay, as well. I enjoyed reading it. Great job!

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Responses to Classmates' Nonfiction Essays 4/2

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:12:41 -0700

Sara Davis’s Essay

“A.J.’s Lessons in Life and Death”

This is an absolutely beautiful and touching essay—I have no negative criticism for it. The inspiring and optimistic outlook on life that A.J. had is really well described as his heart-breaking situation is developed. The transitions flow very well and the whole piece reads very smoothly. It is amazing that A.J. rose over $50,000 for that hospital—that is phenomenal. I love the part that discusses why A.J. had this terminal illness: he “was an angel on earth and God needed him back.” I also like how A.J.’s “kindness and generosity” never surprised Sara; this really conveys how genuinely A.J. was a good person. Sara does a great job in this essay of relaying A.J.’s story in a very sincere, effective way and also of getting across how A.J.’s life and death have profoundly effected her to this day. I am sure this was a really hard subject to write about, and it was done very impressively. Wonderful essay!

Amanda P’s Essay

I absolutely love this essay. It is written with such sincerity and every single paragraph is completely engaging. I love Amanda’s writing style-- it is so natural and nothing ever seems contrived or forced. So much energy and awesome imagery runs through every paragraph—the morning routine of the campers is described so well. I saw everything happening in my mind as I read about the kids playing with hula hoops and skipping around with jump ropes. All of these elements are developed so well, but what I am particularly amazed by is the story of the little girl Victoria. The characterization of this child is so great; the way Amanda conveys how this little girl’s heartbreaking situation affects her is also very well done. The latter is probably my favorite aspect of this essay—her voice is so genuine when she discusses what was thinking and feeling when talking to this little girl. I love how her desire to help this child affected her so emotionally and physically. The “thick, nauseating adrenaline” she experienced before her tears “spilled” into her voice effectively conveys the extent to which she was invested in helping Victoria. I also really like how her resolution that “today” would be the day to “overcome” turns into the realization that “today was her decision.” This essay is beautiful and a joy to read!

Amy’s Essay

“A Court Date”

There are a lot of things I like about this essay, first being that this seems to have been written with a very honest voice. When reading this piece, I feel like I am getting real insight in this part of Amy’s life and seeing her perspective. The way that Amy goes back and forth with her feelings toward her father and mother throughout the essay is very well done. The contrasts between her mother and stepmother are very effective, as well. There is a strong theme in this essay of an internal struggle responding to external forces that are pulling her in different directions ; this begins to be developed in the very first paragraph as she tells her mother “what she wanted to hear” when she is being “drilled.” This sense of internal struggle is very strong in the court scene when she feels pangs of guilt and feels like a liar. Everyone can connect to this on some level. I like the inclusion of the poem—it adds a very cool dynamic. The ending is very well done; I like the surprise of how suddenly things are okay with her mom and it is her dad and stepmother who are the ones she wishes not to see. I really like this essay a lot; the only thing I might suggest would be for Amy to introduce the frustrations in her relationship with her mother on page one before she suddenly decides to move in with her dad. The way is is written now, the “overwhelming rage and frustration” toward her mother seems to have come out of nowhere. Other than that, this is great work!

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Responses to Classmates' Nonfiction Essays 3/31

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:17:55 -0700

Erica’s Essay

“Moonriver”

Erica does a really great job in this essay of portraying this experience with a tone of realness and familiarity—a lot of what she describes and the emotions involved are ones that many of us can relate to. The first two paragraphs do a great job of setting the scene and giving us a clear idea of how Erica was feeling. The element of Breakfast at Tiffany’s is great—I love how she uses this as her “sober escapism” and how she explains her personal connection to it. I like how she follows this up in the third and fourth paragraphs in comparing herself to Holly Gollightly’s character—the fourth paragraph gives a lot of insight into what is really in her heart. I like the beginning of the fifth paragraph when she brings up how strange it is when the world keeps going when one is feeling so down—this emphasizes really well how lonely she was feeling. It is interesting how the attitudes expressed in the dialogue with her roommate contrast with what she later feels in her conversation with Kevin—I like how she traces the changing of her feelings over the course of the essay. I was a little thrown off in the paragraph about the funeral and how she never wanted to see a casket that small again. Is there supposed to be a connection between that and Kevin? That could be made a little clearer. I really like the conclusion to this essay as it has seriousness, humor, and sincerity. It ends on a positive note with a hopeful tone. I like the idea of having to let someone go in order to really have them. I also like how she ties in Moonriver at the end. Great essay!

Scott L’s Essay

I really like the way Scott introduces his older brother Carl in the beginning of the essay and the dynamics of their relationship—I totally understand the frustration of having an older sibling setting precedents—my sister is ten years older than me and has a PhD in Clinical Psychology. Although I like this opening, it seems really disconnected to the reset of the essay. It is mentioned that Carl influenced his younger brothers’ musical tastes among other things, but after that that is a total shift that leaves out Carl for good. I think it would be good if Carl were mentioned some more later in the essay, perhaps in the third to the last paragraph which reads, “Tim is wholly responsible for every advancement noted here…” Carl might be tied in some way there or in the last paragraph. I like the part in which he describes how a short film of the year after he returned to Statesboro would look—it is very creatively and effectively done. I also really like the conclusion—the description of how the music of The All-stars of Sierra Leone affected him is beautiful. I also like how he describes some of the horrible experiences of the band members to emphasize how resonating their music and messages were. In the beginning, Scott wrote that while growing up he never really loved music although he thought he did. It seems that in this experience he really came to love music and became a part of it. Great job!

Christine Lee’s Essay

“Confessions of an Angry Cashier”

I like the structure of this essay and how the first two paragraphs set up the ten reasons why Christine wants to “hide from the public indefinitely.” The second paragraph does a good job of conveying how she came about getting the job. I also like the title “Confessions of an Angry Cashier”—I think it is clever, and the ten reasons/confessions seem like they are written in a diary. If it is supposed to have the effect of something written in a personal journal, then it is right on. The language is very casual and forthright—the tone does get quite angry and almost threatening. It seems like something that might be written furiously into a journal—it is very interesting and entertaining to read. Although I like how her voice is very candid in this and the entire point is that she is angry, I do think the fervency could be toned down a bit—at times if feels like I am getting yelled at a little bit. Other than that, I think this is a creative style and it was fun to read!

Jamee Lowery’s Essay

“Rushed to a Ditch”

Jamee does a really good job in this essay of describing the crash of his car—I saw the entire thing happening as I read how the car “soar[ed] through the air” and down like a “ton of lead bricks” into the trees. All of the frustrations that occurred before the crash are described very well, also—his sense of anxiety is conveyed clearly as he thinks about the mid-term he hasn’t studies for as he drives down dark, unfamiliar roads. I like how this essay is written in first person; this adds to this tension and anxiety created while reading the essay. I felt as though I were there when the ATV guys showed up and put out the fire. The line, “I am really sketched out about walking around in the dark in the arm pit of Georgia [. .],” is hilarious. The description of the stereotypical cop is, as well. I like how he does not care about the ticket because he just escaped form a burning car. This adds to the irony and surprise of the very last line in which he is thinking about his mid-term again. It is interesting how it all goes back to the beginning. Some grammatical revising could be done—other than that, great essay!

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Responses to Classmates' Nonfiction Essays 3/26

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 07:27:06 -0700

Alex’s Essay “goodmorning”

I absolutely love this piece! It is amazing how Alex traces his thoughts upon waking up in such an engaging way and weaves in personal reflections upon life and himself with such finesse. Those few minutes after waking up when everything is quiet and calm can be a reflective moment in which deep thoughts come to the surface. Alex captures this experience so amazingly and with such a sincere voice. Sincerity is wrapped up in so many techniques that Alex so skillfully uses, like the questions he asks himself, when he makes fun of himself and sort of scorns his current state, and the sense of his emotion in every turn of thought. There are also little ironies and humor that run throughout. This entire piece is beautiful and refreshing to read. I love when Alex describes how he came to love the phrase “carpe diem” and his later reflections on what that phrase truly means to him. The language is beautiful on page three when he delves into abstract thought on the nature of being: it does not matter that these are all abstract thoughts because the language is so engaging and rich. One of my favorite parts is when Alex sits down at two in the morning and paints his beautiful painting. The surprise at the end is great and ends the piece with a lot of energy. Alex sets every scene so perfectly from the very beginning with that first ray of sunlight that wakes him. Very impressive.

Tom’s Essay “Don’t Suck”

I really like this essay—there is an incredible amount of detail and imagery that set the scene perfectly. The ways Tom looks at himself form the outside and observes the scene as if it is happening in the present is very effective and nicely done—I started getting nervous for Tom as he finally went out on stage. The tension builds steadily throughout this piece. I like how Tom explains certain actions that he does before a show. They are explained as sort of rituals and they allow us to gain insight into his character, such as when he says, “I try not to listen to any music on the way so I can build up my anticipation. I feel like I play better that way.” All of the physical details are simply phenomenal, and I feel like I am watching television as I read this essay. The ending is great and leaves off with a lot of energy. Specifically, I really like the line, “It’s organized mayhem.” This is a sort of theme throughout the essay as all of this anticipation and anxiety is running through Tom’s mind but he knows he can handle it because he has done it before. He has rituals that have been shown to us from the beginning that he engages in to gain control. This essay is great and I really enjoyed reading it. The only thing I think might be useful to add would be to expand on the history of your band—where did you meet your band members? Do you always get along? Where do you guys usually practice? I think just a few sentences on these types of questions would enhance the story. Great job!

Ashlee’s Essay “Hurricane Ashlee”

Ashlee does a very good job in this piece of conveying how close she and her papa were and what a profound effect he had on her memory. I really like the images Ashlee discusses that connect her immediately to memories of her papa. Her discussion of the two swings really makes it clear how active her papa was in her life. These swings are physical images of childhood play, and it is very engaging how she attaches such sentimentality and sincere emotion to them. Music is an element that for a lot of people brings back immediate memories, as it certainly does for Ashlee. Her discussion of this is very engaging. Her discussion of color, another image that often works as a catalyst for memory, is very well done. So many images of childhood are brought up in this piece and they effectively bring us right back to Ashlee’s past as her papa pushes her on the swing. Her black and white oxford shoes, frilly socks, and dancing with a much taller papa create a very charming scene. The joy, genuine love, and simple fun portrayed in these scenes give us a lot of insight into the close relationship between Ashlee and her papa, one very worthy of being written about. I also like how Ashlee begins and ends with the cemetery scene. The transitions flow smoothly, and the Hank Williams song at the end is a nice touch. The only alterations I would suggest are a few grammatical considerations and sentence structure in certain places. Other than that, this is great!

Micheal’s Essay

I think this is an interesting topic to write about—often times, high school programs are put on about serious issues like drunk-driving, smoking, drugs, etc, but it is personal experience that causes true realization and internalization. I like the description Micheal gives about the high school students migrating to the parking lot while he walks alone—it might be interesting to expand on this, such as show how the other students are acting and why Micheal is walking alone. Are the students bored, disinterested, glad to have gotten out of a Socratic seminar (as I would have been)? It might also be effective to expand more on how the car wreck scene affected Micheal specifically. This could cause a greater contrast with the emotional upheaval he experiences later on in the story. I like the scene where Micheal is playing videogames—he seems very relaxed and at ease, which contrasts very well with how he feels after the phone rings. The dialogue between Micheal and his mother is also effectively done—it sounds quite realistic. I like the ending because it is very sincere. I really believe that his mom’s wreck had this effect on him, and I totally understand that. I also like how Micheal learns something meaningful from this personal experience. This is a great essay—expansion in certain areas would make it even better.

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Responses to Classmates' Nonfiction Essays 3/24

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 09:10:27 -0700

Kirsten’s Essay “Unpaved Parking Lots”

I really like Kirsten’s essay, and I can relate to a lot her experiences. I was also living in Eagle Village when that dreaded parking lot was being worked on. She revived my memory very well when she mentioned being “startled out of a deep sleep by a jackhammer” early in the morning and the annoyance of having to walk back from the stadium in the dark. Kirsten does a really great job of relaying in this essay her own experiences with the need for friendship and the inevitability and difficulty of change. Everyone can relate to Kirsten’s story on some level because these are universal experiences. I like Kirsten’s casual, familiar voice in this essay, as if she is discussing all of this in really great conversation. I love her opening line, “Eagle Village was my personal prison.” Her own voice starts out clear and remains so throughout the entire essay. It is great how she traces her friendship with these people from the roots up until present day and nothing seems abrupt. She transitions very well; I like the parts she included about the trip to the park (the part of slamming into the tree has great imagery) and the sections abut her friends’ house. For most of this essay, there is a strong amount of sensory images and descriptions, such as the “fragrance of popcorn and sweat from basketball games.” She does a really great job with that; I also really like how she ties in the image of the unpaved parking in a very creative way in the conclusion to emphasize her reflection on change. She weaves in the theme of change throughout the essay and conveys with sincerity how change can be both a positive and painful experience.

Amanda B’s Essay “Butler”

There are several things I really like about this essay, one of them being that Butler’s physical identity as a dog is not given until the end. When I first began reading this essay, I was not sure how I would feel about that element, but once I finished I saw that leaving his description as a dog until the end has a really powerful effect. By not describing Butler’s physical nature, other abstract aspects of Butler’s character are emphasized such as how he would “take the blame willingly” and how he would never one try to tell his owner to change. Descriptions such as these make Butler seem more like a person, even though it is clear that Butler is some type of animal. The human characteristics of Butler and the deep connection between him and Amanda are beautifully conveyed. I love how she makes a promise to him to be more like she used to be and how it is the loyal and loving Butler that has such a profound effect on her. It is really very touching. I love the whole idea of a much loved pet, someone who only listens and does not judge, having such a resonating relationship with their owner. I really enjoyed this essay as it is written with sincerity and exposes real emotion. It made me really sad when I read about Butler’s death. The line about how Butler really listened to her is a very important one as it emphasizes not only their close relationship but also that particular power of cherished pets to understand their owners in ways no one else can. I think this essay is very well done; the ending might have a little something else added to it to give it more power, or perhaps the last two lines could be taken off. Other than that, great essay!

Neal’s Essay “Chasing the Dragon”

Wow, there is such great vivid detail in this piece! I can completely picture Sirius lying hungover in his bed and can hear the “soft flush of the air conditioner.” To me the best aspects of this essay include the vivid, active imagery and the beautiful command of language used throughout. There are a few lines that seem to be a little much, though, and might be toned down a little for a greater sense of sincerity and accessibility. The description of Sirius’s and Yves’s relationship is phenomenal; I got a real sense of the addictive element and the intensity of their relationship, and his extended metaphor of drug addiction is really well handled. I think the subject bounces a little too abruptly from Layla to Yves—I think it would be good if there was some kind of explanation for Yves or perhaps a connection between her and Layla. First person narration might be considered, as well. I also think it would be good if this essay were longer—it might create more cohesion, and the writing is so great I would love to read more!

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Responses to Peer Group's Nonfiction Essay Drafts

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 10:46:56 -0700

Alex's Draft Essay

Alex has begun a wonderful essay-- I love every single part of it, from the subject to the setting. The way he conveys his thoughts upon waking up is great-- he makes almost scientific observations of himself and goes through a critical thought process. My favorite part is how he realizes he is not living up to his favorite moto, carpe diem. The way he descirbes how he came to love that phrase is beautifully written. The physical descriptions he gives are fantastic. This is great!

Tom's Draft Essay

Tom has a great beginning to his essay—there is a ton of great physical description, such as the curtain with its “thick red felt-like material that’s purposely made to look older than it is” and the descriptions of the intense lights and crowd. Tom has set the scene really well—I feel like I am watching this on a screen as I am reading it. I get a real sense of how he was feeling before he went on stage to perform his music. There are a few places where grammar might be improved and things expanded on, such as descriptions of his band members. Aside from that—great job!

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Responses to Classmates' Poetry 3/3 and 3/5

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 20:13:16 -0800

Ryan Noah’s Poetry

“Wood Bridges”

This poem is so cool and I feel like the burning of the bridge has to be a metaphor for something very meaningful. Is this a play on the old saying about burning bridges—is it about something specific and personal or is it a large life issue? I really like its intensity and finality at the end—it is also an ironic sort of surprise that is very evocative. There seems to be a very invested, even pissed off voice of the speaker—the subject really means something to the speaker, which makes the poem even more meaningful.

“The Search”

There is such great physical action imagery in this poem and constant energy. The alliteration, quick questions, and exclamations keep up the pace and make it very pleasant to read. There is a lot of humor in it and the ending is very funny as she personifies the book with its “mocking” her “lack” of “bookshelves.” Very fun poem.

Sara Davis’s Poetry

“Words like Knives”

I really like the buildup and tension in this poem. Silence as the “clouds before a storm” is a cool image because it is like a false mist that is covering the abusive storm of words about to erupt. This totally strips apart the saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” “Cutting like knives” is a cool image because it makes me think of how artful and carefully words can be selected to manipulate and destroy. “Knocking the air” makes me think of the blind, dumb use of words that can render one breathless. This poem really expresses how powerfully debilitating and destructive words can be. This is a great poem!

“An Angel on Earth”

This is obviously a very meaningful poem as the subject seems very personal and emotional. I really like the last two lines because they are very uplifting and hopeful. I am curious as to what specifically the boy was suffering from and how he helped raise money. I am also curious as to the connection between him and the speaker. Addressing these types of questions in the poem might make it even more powerful and resonating. Great job!

Scott Laniak’s Poetry

“Irony…”

This poem is very provocative and makes my mind go in all sorts of directions. I am very curious as to what is meant behind certain lines such as, “Your eyes don’t lie \ but Jesus did.” I like how this poem is abstract and leave one wondering—it seems very deep and meaningful. It is certainly thought-provoking. The idea of playing pin the tail on God’s glory is interesting. Every part of the poem seems very dense with meaning and carefully selected.

“There’s beauty in the dirt!”

There are a lot of really interesting and thought-provoking images in this poem. The “dead butterfly in my champagne” really catches my attention. Does this have anything to do with something beautiful being killed by decadence or the death of something progressive? There seems to be a sort of discourse going on about fate and religion, with language such as “design,” “faith,” and “condemn.” Is the question “why” existential in this poem? The line “I’m happy to get by” is interesting—does that have anything to do with accepting your inability to control fate? I like this poem a lot—it obviously provokes a lot of questions in me. I can’t wait to here it discussed.

Scott Szymanski’s Poetry

“An Arid Discourse”

There is great characterization is this poem—the speaker seems to have a really dry sense of humor and rationale. He has the air of a distances psychiatrist at the end. The woman he is addressing seems to be sort of histrionic with her ranting and drinking—she is defined by her emotion. Something about the language evokes a mid Victorian scene in my mind—very cool. I would like for the line “hoping the one of which you speak heals this disgrace” to be clarified. What disgrace? I really like this poem, particulary for its great characterization and command of language.

“Lost in Exchange”

This poem is very interesting in number of ways—I like how the subject of friendship is analyzed in such a logical, almost mathematical way. Usually such a subject is defined in emotional terms. Language such as “variables,” “repeatable line,” and “code,” is used—this very serious, intelligent way of discussing friendship develops a sort of distanced, indifferent tone. The speaker seems to be frustrated but not totally antipathetic as he still wonders at the end “what choice is the better pathway?” The lines two lines are great—the idea of friendship being worth all of the difficulties ends the poem on a strong and meaningful note.

Tom’s Poetry

“Stay”

I really like the physical structure of this poem, and the rhyme scheme is great. Everything flows so well and the transitions from “cannot to “should not” to “cannot” and back to “should not” are very effective. This poem reads very quickly despite some of the vocabulary used—I am left feeling that whatever transpired to create this poem was very meaningful and left a mark upon the speaker. I really like it.

“Ataraxia”

This is one of my favorite poems from the class—when I read it in our peer groups, I had no idea what “ataraxia” meant but I still loved the poem. Knowing now that ataraxia has to do with ultimate tranquility makes my reading of this poem so powerful and interesting. Tom uses beautiful imagery in this poem—I love the “spiral of thorns” and the “labyrinth of weeds.” What I love most of all is the whole idea of finding something so beautiful in the most surprising and obscure of places. I think this idea of surprise is packed in the very word “ataraxia”—the word in itself is surprising as, although it is quite sexy sounding, it seems more like a sci-fi term that something to do with calm and serenity. Everything about this poem is beautiful—amazing job!

Mary Lynn Ritch’s Poems

“Homesick”

I really like how this entire poem seems to be the speaker’s thought process in which she is reflecting on her current state. The play between doubt and certainty is interesting, too, as she bounces between thinking and knowing and uses such diction as “guess”, “maybe,” and “should.” I am a little uncertain as to how the content ties with the title. Does the speaker feel like she is getting old and cold because she is homesick for her place of childhood and warmth? I like this poem a lot, and the only revisions I can think of are to make clearer how the content is projecting homesickness, to look at the punctuation at the end of stanza two (it could possibly have a question mark), and to reword the very last line. The “new King Kong” sounds a little forced. Other than that, it’s great!

“The Party through the Wall”

I like this poem a lot; there are a lot of surprises and plenty of sound effects that make it fun to read. There is also humor in this poem, such as with the dream about the “cheeseburger in paradise” and the “crappin rappin.” My favorite aspect is the sound imagery, like the “vroom” of the engines, the music, and the silence. The words in all caps seem very effective to me. The only suggestion I have is to either change the punctuation around in the last stanza, such as adding another comma after “which,” or perhaps to play with the line breaks of the last stanza.

Micheal Johnson’s Poems

“You burst out to the outside…”

I really like the control and resolution the speaker has in this poem. The voice is very strong and decided as he orders the person to not “turn around” and to “walk farther away.” I also like the repetitious idea of what might happen “one day” but not “today.” This almost seems to juxtapose the idea of bursting free with a sense of stagnation or inability. This poem is really cool and flows amazingly well; I have no suggestions for changing it.

“sterile white is my new color”

This poem is quite intriguing to me—I am not altogether sure what the setting ot situation is, but that ambiguity is part of what makes it so fascinating. The scene seems to have to do with some sort of psychiatric ward and a painful scene going on within it. I get the impression the person is young as he is described as “lad” and the coat is his “new mother.” The imagery of the “squeaking wheels” and the struggling scene between him and “they” (the orderlies?) gives me an dark, creepy image of an old insane asylum. The sense of intense struggling is very well conveyed in stanza three. The last stanza has a sort of shock and abruptness to it, which is very powerful. I think this poem is amazing and has a lot of depth to it. I feel that it tells quite a story, even if I am not exactly sure what it is.

Neal Dean’s Poems

“September”

I really like the mysterious, almost ethereal description of the girl in this poem. She seems like a spirit or a ghost, or like a wonderful dream that you wish you could go back to sleep for and dream some more of. I love the way she is described as so spirit-like as she “haunts” the speaker’s dreams and has “indelible grace,” which makes me think of an angel. The abandon and melancholy the speaker feels is made very clear as he ponders on this girl. This only suggestion I have is that the word “besets” could be changed to a stronger synonym to really get the feeling across. Other than that—I love this poem!

“Phaethon”

I love this poem because the speaker is reflecting on his own feelings with huge, mythic hyperboles (I believe that is the correct term) relating to The Odyssey. This is so creative and well done. “You’re just a siren \ and I’m a lost cause”—those lines send a really powerful message about the speaker’s feelings about his relationship. I also really like the line “I want to burn in the sky for a while.” The speaker's desire for freedom and adventure is beautifully conveyed. This poem is amazing, and I don’t know of anything I would change about it.

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Responses to Classmates' Poetry 2/27/08

nobody@vox.com(Laine) — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 22:54:26 -0800

Erica Campbell’s Poems

“Me”

I admire the strong voice in this poem—never for a second does the determined tone back down. I really like the whole idea of the internal self being immune to outside forces and that the external, such as things that you own and your name, are not aspects of the true self, of your essence. I think some of the strengths in this poem come from the many uses of the negative words “but,” not,” and “or.” They really work well in the poem to convey the idea with power. The only thing I would even think about revising would be to say “do not” instead of “don’t” in stanza three. That might emphasize the message even more.

“There once was a little girl…”

There are a number of things I really like about this poem. The transition in the third stanza is really good because it is unexpected and causes mystery as to what happened in the fifth or sixth grade to this little girl. The personality of the little girl in the first two stanzas in contrasted very interestingly with her personality in the last three. The extreme contrasts are made very clear. Her sense of knowing and expressing her identity at the beginning is contrasted with being utterly lost and voiceless in the end. I especially like the reversal of the “beautiful butterfly” to the caterpillar—it’s very creative and makes the poem end with a lot of meaning.

Jamee Lowery’s Poems

“I Love(d) Money”

I like the sense of an internal monologue going on in this poem and the tone of frustration as the speaker considers his relationship with money. The subject is interesting and certainly a lot of people could connect with its message. I like the way money is personified and a whole feeling of angst is created as the character and value of money is considered. One suggestion I have would be to alter the wording of the last two lines, “weather” and “sweater.” That threw me off a little bit, but I think the poem is strong right up until that point.

“LOVE????”

I like how this poem opens up with a question that, although consisting of only one word, automatically brings with it a vast amount of issues and possibilities. There seems to be a sense of being perplexed yet also of detachment, which the speaker makes clear in the middle and last stanzas when he says he does not get attached, and the “girl” is given no personal connection or identity. I think the second line of the poem is interesting, as well, because on one level it might be inviting readers to ponder on the issue, or it could be accusing us of not knowing what love is. The only thing I might suggest would be to break the lines up a bit to create a stronger sense of detachment and uncertainty.

Kirsten Anderson’s Poems

“Ode to Nyquil”

This poem is simply awesome. It is automatically great because the subject is so surprising. There is so much humor in this poem and it flows beautifully. I like how the speaker’s conflicting emotions towards Nyquil are consistently emphasized and how it is both “friend” and “foe.” There are so many great lines in here—I love “noxious nectar” and how it is “enough” to make you say “eww.” Hilarious! I cannot find anything I would change about this poem. It is very refreshing. (not Nyquil, the poem J)

“The mind games of rocks…”

I really like the subject matter of this poem, too. The whole idea of rocks having “mind games” is very interesting, and the tone of frustration is very strong throughout the poem. I like how the speaker is questioning herself in stanza two. The reference to “blueschist in Greece” has a cool effect. This foreign reference seems to emphasize the sense of being lost or stranger to a subject that “had once been so fun.” There is also a sense of sarcasm at certain moments in the poem that I like. The only thing I might alter would be some of the punctuation or lack thereof at the endings of some of the lines, such as in the last stanza; a dash might be cool after “cruel” and no dash after “headlines.” But that’s just picky stuff—this poem is great.

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